act

Extract from Peter Sotos, Selfish, Little: The Annotated Lesley Ann Downey:

Bugs, filth. Braggart artists. The best I did was a fat hissing whale with a regular stoop somewhere. That sucked me off while he showed me computer KP anyone could get. He went to all the websites that you find easily enough but, at least, he kept them in his computer. Unlike me. I wouldn't even do that. I went about finding it. I became focused and dedicated. I wanted to see and cum on the photos that I had heard about. More than that, I wanted to see the children hurt. I wanted to see that damage and fear and have it be, for once, unequivocal. This was just after the details of the Dutroux case started leaking through. The fact that there were videos of those children being treated so deliberately turned my head around completely.
I never thought that such an unimportant few minutes could end up defining how I relate and use people. Sexually, especially. But I had learned that decades ago. A small private act created a searing contempt for people that didn't search out the very same truths you were barely enjoying. It also created a template on how to use these lowgrades. It's virtually impossible to say this without sounding as if you're vengeful. Or making a grandiose statement on everyone's hypocrisy but your own. It's so distasteful to have an ego so hideous that it would find this material satisfying. These days. You just needn't talk about it then.
I know what to expect. And I have to preface every next sentence with a quick summation of the perceived and irritating misunderstandings beforehand.
So much of this material isn't all that clear. You have to use your imagination. I think, personally, that it goes back to being badly struck by a photo in Violence In Our Time by Sandy Lesberg (Haddington House, NY, 1977). A boy was chained to a radiator in a basement and there was a badly done photo of it. Naked. Turns out that, given the era of the photograph, a news agency has actually asked the little tender victim to recreate the scene of the crime. I find that very compelling. And frustrating. Obviously. I don't know that I find it more depleting than most.
I want to see photos of crimes taking place specifically for the photos. But still. What I want, more than anything, is to see the clear drive to harm. Sexually. I want to see the children hurt and that hurt extended. I want the dynamic to be the recording. Not the document afterwards.