Tuesday, 15 December 2009

Black Mass / Small Print

Here is the chalice of fleshly lust. We give you details of our current account interest rates, charges (such as monthly account fees, charges for certain card payments and overdraft charges) and charging dates (such as billing periods) in our banking charges and interest rates guides or other additional conditions. Let us pray. You can also find them out by contacting us and on our website. Taught by infernal example we may presume to say: We may change our interest rates, charges and charging dates under condition 15. Our Father, Who art in Hell, Hallowed be Thy Name; Thy kingdomcome; Thy will be done on earth as it is in Hell; We will calculate any interest we pay or charge on a daily basis unless we have told you otherwise. Give us this day our daily light; Send forth Thy spirit & renew the face of the earth; We do not pay interest on amounts of less than £1. Deliver us unto luxury; Deliver us unto the plenteousness of Thy house; The additional conditions will tell you when we pay interest, if any, on your account. Let us walk as in the day; Eat fat meats & drink sweet wines; Let us fornicate; This is usually monthly, three monthly, six monthly or yearly. And, that our hearts may be prepared for it, Inflame them with the fire of Thy live, Lord Satan. If the day interest is due to be paid on an account is not a working day, we will pay interest up to, and on, the next working day. I am the root & stock of Lucifer, the bright and morning star. Come over to me all ye that desire me and be filled with my fruits. We will pay interest by crediting it to your account. Darkness shall cover me, & night shall be my light in the pleasure. We pay compound interest once interest is credited to your account as it becomes part of the account balance and counts towards the amount we pay interest on. But the darkness shall not be dark, & night shall be as the light of day. Where we add interest to your account, we pay it “net” (taking off income tax at the standard rate) unless we are allowed to pay you gross interest (without taking off tax). Let us give thanks to the Infernal Lord, our God. For example we can do this if you (or all of you on a joint account) give us a completed Form R85 (or any replacement form). It is meet & just so to do. You can get the form from our branches or from HM Revenue & Customs. It is truly meet and just that we should at all times and in all places give thanks to Thee, Lord, Infernal King, Emperor of the World. Higher rate tax payers may have to pay additional tax themselves. Jubilantly all the infernals praise Thee, & with these we join our own voices to say: We will charge you any interest at the end of every monthly billing period unless we tell you otherwise in the additional conditions of your account. Hail, Hail, Hail. We may also charge you compound interest. Lord Satan, God of Power, earth and Infernus are filled with Thy Glory. We may take any interest and charges you owe us from the same account, or from your other accounts as allowed under condition 17. Hosanna in the depths. We will tell you personally about overdraft charges and interest you have to pay at least 14 days before we take them from your account.

1 comment:

Il Discotto said...

Very good piece of work!

like it a lot.